T.V., Interdependence & A Whole Lot of Concerts

make poverty history.

Daddy's girl

It's hard raising kids. What's more hard is raising a mom and a dad. Kids, will always be kids, but they will soon realize what they are going through right now is more like a phase in their lives that they would overcome. On the other hand, parents will be parents, regardless of them being open-minded. I know they would worry a whole lot, because you're miles and miles away from them. But if I could just get across the barriers and talk to my folks, and they would actually listen instead of being these judgemental-types, I wouldn't be too hard on myself.

Yesterday, my dad turned 50. I was so excited to call him and tell him that I could not wait to come home and us being a complete family again. So anyway, I talked to him and I knew that he had been reading my blog. Heck, I was just a normal eighteen year old typing away my rants about how my day went, yet, he feels disappointed in me. I felt really bad about that. Made me feel really low and pathetic. I don't take a crap from anyone, not even a close relative, but when I listen to my dad and him saying all these things, I feel like the lowest creature known to mankind. I love my dad so much and I respect him a lot. I know he knows what is best for me, but sometimes I feel worried, that when the time comes that he needs to let me go, he would not let me. I'll always be Daddy's girl.

I am sorry for being an eighteen year old teenager,wanting to graduate to make my parents feel proud of me.That's all I ever wanted, it's just that certain circumstances made them think otherwise that it was because of certain persons involved.

This is just me.
And I am sorry for spilling my guts here.
I am in sheer desperadoes.

Sinong konyo ngayon?

Entry ko dapat kahapon. Blogger was down yesterday.
Ayos yung party kahapon. Salamat sa mga dumalo. hehehe.

Today is Kiwi and Niki Day…oh wait, that was yesterday.Woke up feeling stress-free. For once I wasn’t thinking too much about my departure. Currently listening to Filter’s Take a picture. I really loved that song. Makes me feel worry-free and not so stressed-out about moving. I seriously need to get rid of a lot of stuff cluttered around my room so I could start packing. With any luck, I hope to get delayed for a month.

Yesterday saw too much of me hanging out. I mean really hang out. And pig-out. I went to school early morning yesterday to meet up with Lea and a bunch of other people I know because they were having their return demo for scrubbing and gowning or so I heard. This was in preparation for their duty at the OR (operating room). Too bad I wasn’t going to join them this summer. I wasn’t able to meet up with Lea though because me and Kiw had to go to Benilde for him to see his thesis adviser. His defense went well last Wednesday, he rushed to the house, still in his corporate attire, just to tell me the good news. I was glad that he was going to graduate by December. So I waited for him at Starbuck’s Taft and ordered a coffee-based caramel frappucino. Kiw doesn’t really get why I had to put brown sugar on my frapp when its obviously too sweet. I explained that I liked the crunchy sensation when biting those brown sugar bits. He just laughed and started teasing me because I easily get pikon when he teases me to my ex-addiction to Spongecola. He would croon Yael-like the whole drive to BF. Ack, it is really annoying.

I love Kiw to pieces, because he organized this despedida party for me tonight at his place and a lot of people were coming, mostly our friends, and people I met through him (Sorry if I wasn’t able to inform or invite people because I wasn’t the one who planned the whole thing). Now normally Gino would hang out with us at BF but the was too busy with school because his finals are coming up.

I think my flight is going to be delayed for about another week because my residency visa for Abu Dhabi isn’t processed yet. I wonder what Kiw’s plans are gonna be for our thing on the 15th. The last time we had a semi-romantic dinner was at the Alabang country club with Gino and Rash..heheh. Although it wasn’t the two of us, but we still had a pretty terrific time.

So anyway, back to yesterday’s events, while we were cruising on skyway while listening to John Mayer.We had shawarmas at President’s Ave. sa BF and the shawarmas here are half as good as the ones in Abu Dhabi. Lebanese shawarmas are fantastic. After getting ourselves stuffed we were supposed to go to Ruins to buy DVDs but we didn’t have much time because we were supposed to buy groceries for the refrigerator cake we were going to make so we opted for town to buy some stuff. We met up with Mico and his friend Luigi instead and hung out at Starbuck’s (again). It was really nice hanging out with Mico again because we haven’t seen him since we all went to Tj’s with Welo. He’s super kulit and super fun to be with. Luigi was nice too, as opposed to other celebrity kids who are superficial. He looked so much like his dad. After eating oreo cheesecake and another venti mocha frapp, we all went to Petron at Westgate then had to leave because like any normal kids I had a curfew so Kiw brought me home.

I am so going to miss coffeetime-slash-killingtime at town. And the fact that cheesedogs are only 10 bucks (peso bucks). Oh, and everytime we pass by Stoked inc, the wakeboarding store I always wanted to buy my own board & fixtures and a lovely new pair of havaianas which my brother termed as expensive tsinelas. Tapos when it’s Kiwi’s turn to go to his shop he’d always look for a gi, which was practically the same gi he’d been going back to for months. I hope they have those jiu jitsu gis in the States though. And our Jamaican patties food trip. I think De’ Original is yummier than Royal Carribean. Still, I can’t like the uber hot patties Kiw is ordering.

Gah, so much kwento, so little time. Today I’m off to buy groceries because we weren’t able to buy them last night. I hope I still remembered what Kitkat told me about those graham cakes. John is going to Boracay today. Hope you have a blast cuz!

More drama later.

Censorship

Earlier I got a YM message from my cousin that my titas saw my "raunchy" pic on friendster. I did not really understand what the fuss is all about. The tiny pic was blurry, and it was actually a decent pic, it didn't show a lot though, just my legs and I was in a swimsuit because, uh, duh, I went swimming or was trying to get a tan under the californian sun. I thought the photo was artsy regardless of what they think. Saka I myself would not post it if its too ma-halay.I don't get the culture here, I mean it's just one measly pic and it could definitely not harm anyone. If they are really upset about this, being grown-ups and all, with kids of their own, they could probably have told me that they were upset about it. Geez, I mean, my mom was also wearing skimpy bathingsuit when she was like my age or maybe even younger.

Model used in this blog are for illustrative purposes only; Nicole does not suggest that the model is actually engaged in the conduct duscussed in this story that she illustrates

Double sigh. Why is it that everytime I try to do something normal, it ends up blowing up in front of me. It's bad enough that they frown upon everything that I try to do including having a boyfriend. Is it completely wrong to make mistakes? I think everyone deserves a right to be screwed up. Because they will not learn if they're too perfect to complicate things.

Things like these need to come around. The next time I'll be basking under the californian sun, I'll make sure to bring a sweater- a really bulky one.

Getting messed up

Two days. I know, I gotta make this all quick.We were at Eastwood last Saturday night to celebrate a double birthday bash at Jack's Loft ( Mai's fave). Kiwi, Gino, and I were the first among the few who arrived and Avi, Joyce and their room mate Belle were there and it was like the three Abu Dhabi schools clashing and all. Fun. There are tons of people at Libis because of some benefit concert thing featuring Mojofly so the whole courtyard was packed. Typical scenario of guys and girls ogling at each other. Damn, I'm gonna miss this.

I didn't know that there was Gweilo's at Eastwood, because apparently Spongecola and their testosterone band were gonna play according to Joyce, who was the band's self-appointed groupie. Heheheh. So we went to Gweilo's to watch them play. There were other asteg bands playing as well kaya un, I stayed while Kiwi & co. were like waiting pa pala because they wanted to go to Blue Onion. I didn't even felt like dancing because I wasn't in the mood and all. And then it started. It pertaining to me and Kiwi's huge argument that lasted for hours. I know I can be bitchy at times. Maybe it was because I was leaving for good. Suddenly, I don't feel like writing anymore...

Some days you just can't figure out

Today is April 2. A day too late past the pranks being done and pranks that have gone to waste. Since we missed the Avril Lavigne et Simple Plan concert ( which, thank God we DID miss because there were lots of weird people hanging around, throwing cans and stuff and climbing on fences or so I heard) I told my brother than Avril was going to play at Eastwood yesterday. He got all excited all day and asked me to get dressed to we'd be there extra early.He fell for it. Heheh. Well, some people like Kiwi for instance, are aware of April Fools' Day, so some of my acting skills backfired. I told him I wasn't leaving and he didn't believe me.Plus, I was sick, I had the flu so my voice sounds hoarse. I think I'm feeling better today, I got my voice back. Swell.

Well most people would probably think death and accidents are pretty funny. I don't think it is. Normally when somebody tells me that I would freak out and panic in hysteria and eventually cry, so I think it's a low-blow joke when somebody tries to scare me off like that. It's a good think nobody tried to pull that prank on me.

But they did however played a prank on my guy friend, which wasn't very nice either. I think it's somewhere between the lines of insanity and being a sicko-stalker for some reason. What is it with people who are pretending to be someone that they're not? I do not mean trying to be Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan for that matter. Actually masquerading as a completely different characted invented just to lure a guy into believing that that person really does exist. My God, it happened three times. When is it going to stop, huh? I'll elaborate more on this when I post my next entry. I feel bad not knowing this sooner. I hope my friend's okay now.

So there. That wraps up my April Fools' Day celebration. I actually have three friends celebrating their birthday yesterday, Jomarie, Avi and Daivy. I remembered when I was back home in Abu Dhabi, they all had parties on the same day so I really had to pick, but I ended up not going to any of their parties. That really sucked. Heheh. Oh well, Happy birthday you guys. I'll be seeing Jomarie and Avi later tonight because we'll be having dinner at Jack's Loft at around eightish. Ladeeda.

Gotta get ready by O' eight hundred hours
Ttfn :)

The things I’ll miss the most

This was unexpected, really. Here I am, almost at my third year at St. Paul, expecting my duties at the OR and DR for the whole summer- till I found out that I’ll be going to Abu Dhabi for a couple of months, then California to study. I don’t really know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. Or worse.

Sure I did have one of the best times here in the Philippines, I discovered a whole lot of unfathomable meaning in my life. I’ve learned the importance of being thrifty and conditioned myself for the hassles of traffic, baha, and the works. I did have my fun night outs, tambays where my friends and I share uncontrollable laughter over a single bottle of San Mig Light (who can blame me, I am almost nineteen).Kagulo. Hehehe. Or at school.

Walking along the hallways of the school decked in my checkered uniform and my uber
high-heeled school shoes and smiling at the familiar faces that pass by isn’t exactly an ideal memory, but heck it was one I’d wish to keep. I still wished that I had stayed but like I have read somewhere, “life is constant and ever changing”.

I’m surely going to miss my cousins, my relatives and the works. They gave me a whole lot of support and concern. I’m going to miss my friends, old and new, retarded or not..heheh..People that have become a part of my mere existence.

My brother Gino. Yes, who could not forget him? He’s like my big brother and we always hangout over the weekends. We have this I’ll-buy-you-a-frapp-then-you-buy-me-next-week thing. It’s really nice. We never really got to watch gigs together.

My cousin Johnnnyboy. Yeah, you. Hehehe. He’s like the closest cousin to me ever. He’s like my older brother when Gino wasn’t around yet. We used to hangout a lot and I’m really glad things are going well with him and Tin. I’m also gonna miss supporting him and his band-well, I’m gonna miss the band as well. Saiphra. You know they’re awfully talented and they should be famous. I’m gonna miss some of the Faura people I know too. Maybe I should post another entry that’ll be like a remember-when-this-happened. Maybe. Soon.

There are quite a lot of good memories at St. Paul, like when we were at the dorm during freshman year, I was having a lot of fun with my room mates, stealing their clothes at the bathroom so they’d actually have to run out naked, or watching pirated school scandal DVDs that made all the other girls from the other rooms gather around in front of a laptop to curiously watch and giggle. There’s also the time when we watched the NU Rock Awards and the Incubus concert and how me and Angel were so psyched to see it and not stop constantly talking about it.

I’m surely gonna miss my blockmates, since I got resectioned from D to A, life has never been the same. Like the time we all had to practice late at Mars’s dorm for our big production. And the time all our classmates supported us at our cheering competition, who mostly stayed up late just to finish doing the pompoms. I’m gonna miss a bunch of teachers as well, the teachers who gave inspiration to my studying, even though I try so hard to like the subjects, these people kept me going and laughing at the same time. Who could forget the extraordinary Jenlao? We go to the duties together with the group, well, I’m going to miss the group as well. It was darn fun at Enchanted Kingdom, especially when we had paintball extremes at rode the rollercoaster.

I’m also gonna miss the loving Barx, you know who you are…well specifically Caila, Lea, Tine, Noh, Marc, Bea and Gail. They’re also my group mates during the Defense. You guys helped me out during the really bad times and we also had our good times hanging out. I am very grateful and I will miss you guys a whole lot. And our food trips in front of the school, eating mangga, kikiyam and fishball. Oh and our ice cream fests as well. Sigh.

The thing or the person I’ll miss the most would be the person who was always there for me. The person who’s super feeling because he thinks he’s always the topic of my blog and all. The person who never fails to make me laugh even with this corniest jokes and his peculiar laughter. The person who convinced me that the world does revolve around me and even surprised me with a hundred flat tops scattered in his pick-up. The person who doesn’t care if I have raging hormones and mood swings.The person I fell for.

That is you.
Kiwi

Productive Tuesdays

I am writing this entry on a not-quite-productive Tuesday, the day after I had my six-hour shift at Manila Doctors. Yup, it was a tiring day of doing rounds and ranting profusely about why I'm having my make-up duty. Anyhow, on the topic of being madly annoyed at my younger brother for bringing all his friends to Kiwi's place just for a couple of beers or actually getting drunk I just can't seem to let it slip off. My brother is making things complicated, he should have dragged his friends here for his drinking sessions instead other places where his friends would do embarrassing things that would also reflect on me, you know...Ugh...I am just fuming mad. I just don't get why guys would want to have the every-night-is-happy-hour-night routine. For some guys who have thesis the next day, I don't think it was an appropriate idea; my rantings would further progress into a major disappointment. I even have le idiot for a brother. I need to talk to someone. Badly.

Tuesday was a very inactive kickstart to my summer or rather Holy week vacation. I woke up at half past 2 to have lunch whilst my aunts play an inevitable game of Mahjong in the dining room. After that, I watched DVDs of Ocean's 12, Mean Girls and I was bored so I watched the Bonus features as well. I so liked the copy of Mean Girls because it had featurettes which where fun to watch plus the deleted scenes. I have a major crush on Linday Lohan's leading guy, unfortunately I wasn't able to get his name once the credits rolled. More researching on that the whole weekend then.

Don't you think it's funny when you wish you've done a lot of stuff for the day, make a list of things you would think would make sense, at the end of the day you realize that you haven't done anything that would fit into the category of productivity. And here I thought nail clipping was productive. Geez, how many times have I actually said the word "productive"?

Sigh.
Welcome, summer.

An entry with no name

So much more.
So much more..
Enduring with the sound turned off..

Waaah, I am drowning in Incubus lyrics...

Let's see...Chilomastix mesnili. ugh. I am so sick and tired of hearing Salmonella shigellas and the taxonomy of every living bacteria discovered by humankind!? Arrrgh. I am supposed to pass my microbiology & parasitology report due tomorrow and all I get off google are a bunch of links that aren't very helpful. Grumble, grumble. Leave it to Dr. Solano, MD to give me the hardest parasite to research on.

For those who are still interested in reading my do-it-yourself blog with broken images on top, feel free to do so. I know the design sucks, wait, there isn't any...Ha ha. I am now contemplating on a whole lot of stuff on my to-do list because finals are coming! :s Ugh. Cheers to the sleepless nights, five mugs of instant coffee and me looking like a Mrs. Frankenstein tomorrow. Yup, life has those rewards, when your most awaited summer vacation, the time where you could chillax and take a real good rest and relaxation was overshadowed by your summer internship at the hospital. Life does suck. No bumming around the beach for me then eh?

Yes Ate Daivy, it's Niki filter profanity- sue me..haha.I miss you guys too! I wish I were in Cali this summer instead of here doing minor operation on some poor slob with enlarged testicles...what was that called in medical term again? Any how, I will try to have a blast on my own or with friends or something or whatever. And I will update this blog and post more pics. And scarf down ice cream and oreos and Wendy's Bacon mushroom melt. Foodtrip!

It's funny how I always make a list of the stuff to do for summer and I end up not doing them anyway. And it's really annoying when my cousins plan for a weekend in Boracay or something and it ends up getting cancelled which kind of sucks again. Maybe I'll just lock myself in my room and count the squares on the ceiling while listening to Abba. That could be fun. Not.

Taking the Leap

Long term goals:

-finish college
-go to medicine school
-get married by the age of 25
-tour Europe

Short term goals:

-finish 2 PAs as a requirement for OPD (ughyewurck)
-get a new friggin' layout for this blog

What's up with me? Nothing much really..Just busy with a whole lot of stuff. Angie said my blog is dead. Well, it isn't now. hehehehe...

Valentines is coming up, ( I prefer calling it Hearts Day to avoid the weird sappy et giddy feeling you get when you're in love) and it's Mom's birthday. Time to send e-cards.

Lalala.

Get Tipsy

There are what we call life's fleeting moments, when you wish that you were always tipsy and the world would be just exactly what you want it to be. Blurry, hazy-like and somewhat placid, everything would go weird as you try to stumble and find your way in that inevitable maze called love, well, just a word of advice: try to stay out of the light for Pete's sake, you don't wanna go there...You'd even wish that you couldn't snap back to reality and just be your normal, neurotic self with a workload of stuff to do, everything would be perfect and worry-free. I woke up this morning and today exemplifies just about it. Usually I would wake up grumpy and groaning, just savoring the minutes of shuteye left before I hit the cold, damp shower at four in the morning. Today, it just feels different. Beautiful morning. Great day to..uh, smile maybe? Hehe. Maybe smiling would actually work for me. For the first time, in the history of Niki-kind, I feel wanted. Haha, so here goes my first ever winning smile. What's up with that?

The three-day long weekend was fun for me, nuff said. I would not want to elaborate because I will keep on grinning stupidly in front of the screen. Oooh, and I got the Kitchie Nadal album na. Asteg-ninity! I was perfecting the chords of Wag na wag mo sanang sasabihin and it's like my LSS for this week. I so love Kitchie! So does Clifford, Gail and Marcus, she claims that she is Kitchie Nadal reinvented. So much. Hehe

It was fun at my internship at one of Manila's rural community health centers in Pandacan earlier today. Mary Muere and I were assigned to take the blood pressure of patients coming in. Funny I never seemed to be bothered by the throng of people coming in and out of the center as opposed to last week's distribution of tasks, where I was buried under heaps of patients' records as I try to call out their lastnames with out faltering its pronunciation and laughing so hard. Some were asking to check their blood pressure for like the nth time. Mary and I were having fun, after painstakingly explaining a whole load of health teachings we just sat and listen to our patients complain about their million and one daings about the stiffneck sa leeg or something, or try to be nurse-like and ask the people to line up. Bossy.Hehehe. We were so uber-kulit. Spent the whole bus ride home laughing at our funny Thank-God-for Jenlao jokes (Jenlao, the most virginal person that ever walked Niki-planet..hehehe) & a company of Bea's hilarious Knock, knock jokes.

Still, I'm smiling. Wouldn't you love to know why :)

Life...as we know it

Today I woke up with a halo around my head. Or so I thought. Have this Backstreetboys tune going on in my head and it won't stop. Kept on humming it on the way to school because I'll be enrolling for the second semester. Gah. It just goes to show that I am not my usual self today. Happier maybe. I don't know.Hehe. I've had a whole lot of stuff going on for me these past few weeks, hence, the site is still screwed up. I'll be updating soon, I promise.

Ever wish you could touch the sky? I do. I wanted to grab the clouds so badly and play with them. I don't know I just get that feeling of certainty and non-aloofness and just run with the wind. Maybe because for the first time in my life, I had made a decision- a decision to stay and have fun with my course. I am starting to love the school, the people, the lunchlady and everybody. I can't wait to see my room mates!Marcus Fremitus who will still be sharing a room with me, Irish, my uberly-kikay room mate, Gail and everyone. I'm moving in tomorrow, gah, I can't wait.

So what else is there to blog about. I have no rantings whatsoever on how I pathetically hate my life and stuff. Maybe I am contented. Oh, and it's the twins' 7th birthday today. Talked to mom, dad and the twins and Gerard last night. I really, really miss them. Sheikh Zayed died and they have a friggin' 20 day holiday. It's funny how I'd wish it had happened during my highschool days so that it would be really fun. Yeah, me and Gino were shocked to find out too. The old man is like really, really old. I wonder what would happen during National Day which was on the 2nd of December because they usually light up the whole country and post gazillion pictures of him. I admire the guy for investing a whole lot for the country. I love Abu Dhabi.
I wonder who would reign as president. Hmmm...

Layout Blunders

Testing my new layout. Over. In and out.
Urrrgh. Wasn't able to fix the CSS Scripts and the links and stuff. More to come. Gah.

Marcus Fremitus

Niki's very productive semestral break has just kicked off. Yesterday. Whoopeedo. I got picked up at the dorm on a lovely Sunday afternoon and definitely had a hard time lugging all my stuff into my uncle's pajero. We could barely even move. And then there's the fiesta in my grandma's place, where all of my cousins were. It was fun, I haven't seen them since the debut. But still... Me and my brother planned to 'escape' the festivities by hanging out at ATC, which we eventually did. It felt good sipping frappos and giggling with friends after all the stress that's been around me lately. It's nice to get life back on track. Was talking to Marcus Fremitus (given nickname on the phonebook, hehehe), Irish and Jenlao on the phone 24/7. We were the lucky few who had our Suncell sim on 24/7. I'm like, "I'll get right back to ya, I is on the other line." I swear, Suncellular 24/7 is heaven sent. My brother got one as well, and he was testing it with us when we were at Starbuck's last night. Hilarious. Met Kiwi at town as well. Fun. fun. fun. hehehe. Got this classic by George Orwell called the Animal Farm. The library didn't have it so I had to get it. I hear it's supposed to be good and I need to catch up on my reading this vacation.

I miss you too, Angie. After I read your comment on the uh, comment post, I tried to reminisce as well. Yup, the Let's-go-pick-on-Aids-and-take-porno-shots-of-him and Angie dressing up as Zzzultan the Hungarrrrian body buildarrr with my bikini top. God, that was funny. I remembered the dress up thing we had with Katie and Amanda, when everyone just ransacked my room and closet to dig for Vintage-y clothes. I remembered I was supposed to be Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde complete with the curly locks and the fluffy feathered pen. Amanda was the umm, seductress complete with knee-high boots and whip. Katie was prom queen, and I think Angie was the That 70's chick. Wait, or was that a rebel-without-cause-angsty chick? Wardrobe, props and makeup courtesy of Nicole Maramo. After the whole dress-up, my room was up side down. Who couldn't forget Nicole's dock, were we would hangout just to piss people off. Oooh, and God's feet-this private cliff overlooking beach where we used to go and I would emote and just sing my heart out because no one would actually hear and care. I really miss those times and I wouldn't mind reliving it all again. Gah, I love AD. I love the sun, the sand, and the beach. I miss my mommy and daddy, Gerard and my twin brothers. Sigh. Those were the good ol' days.

Mr. Not-so-Perfect

It's funny how you are looking for the perfect guy, the guy whom you thought would sweep you off your feet when you are oblivious of the world around you and when chaos conflicts within. The guy who would be your prince out of nowhere, who would pamper you with poppies (my favorite), sickly sweet poems, Shakespeare sonnets, the works. And who would actually be there when you think the world is so cruel to you. He would be there, just waiting forever, outside your dorm- at the Malvar gate. Waiting, with the expression in his face so full of concern and worry, just because you have been crying forever and you have no idea what to do. And then it hit you- that's when you realize that you haven't been the perfect girl for him. So why bother coming. He just left you hanging.

I realized this today after the theft, the grades, the confession, the confusion. And then there's the break-up. Everything happened so fast. At least there are friends to fall back on to. To lean on. To watch you scarf down an oreo cheesecake and strawberry belgian waffle with caramel frappuccino and listen to you say, "No, I'm not depressed, I'm okay." To make you feel better and to cheer you up even if you aren't in the mood for silly puppet shows. Crazy otcho-otcho dances that would drive you insanely mad with laughter. I love you guys, you know who you are. :)

It feels liberating. I knew that things would not work out. I keep on expecting. What's there to expect? When you know that he's not like that. So I guess I'm free again. I broke free from the grasp of a possible relationship that is not right for me. I need some time for myself, to succumb the life of singleness- Girl-bonding sessions, walks at the beach, reading, cappuccino-sessions with people who make my life meaningful, just by the good conversations, movie marathons, road trips, tambay-slash-inuman sessions with the barkada. It feels good to be back to my own sweet, sarcastic self. I am your worst nightmare. Hehehe. I hope Chris is happy about it.

Was singing the 'So much for my happy ending' line by crooning Avril for the nth time. Complete with guitar riffs. I guess for the first time after I turned eighteen, I'm happy, even if ironically, my happy ending wasn't the one I expected. Sembreak had just officially kicked off, but I still have some official business at school. After that I'll be working on my How-to-make-my-sembreak-more-productive list. Anilao, Batangas here I come! :)

Merde. Merde. Merde

Nicole's random thoughts on the past weeks of pure dumb luck and misery:

-Hell will freeze over before I find the friggin' biatch who took my phone while I was sleeping. I swear I will skin her alive
- Do not, I repeat, do not leave your mobile device unattended, whether you are cooking, doing the laundry, taking a shower, sleeping, eating, sleeping ( okay, this counts twice) I am stressing this because I may have STML but I did not park my brains elsewhere. I have already cried my eyes out, there is no point in crying all over it again.
- It's funny how Mc Donald's always plays the Jasmine Trias song over and over again. I mean, you already get to buy the CD for less than a hundred, but why play it over and over again while enjoying your ketchup-less fries?
-Speaking of fries, who would not love fries with ketchup?? I swear, Mc Donald's is soooooo kuripot! For a multimillion dollar company having a gazillion branches worldwide, why would they spend less on ketchup? Think ketchup dispenser.
- I realized that I've eaten at Wendy's for more than 5 times this week. God, I love Wendy's. More fries and more ketchup. Yum yum. At least I do not look like a parakeet scarfing down huge amounts of fries on my mouth.
- I have taken liberty and courage to express how I feel towards 'Him'. It is not easy, but Gian, Marcus's boyfriend feeling Joe D' Mango (but he is really good at this, I salute him) made me blurt out the whole thing. He was like, "Niki! Go tell him na, nothing would be lost if he would know." I was like " No friggin' way." Somehow, in the middle of everything, I did. My mind got lost.It was totally embarrassing! Had I said it in person, I would have had my cheeks burn flaming red and I would just die right there and then. Enough said. At least I no longer have to deal with it in the future. I will always be that awkward dishveled-haired geek with the high pony standing at the backs of tall girls with sleeky rebonded-hair who are the epitome of beauty. I don't think it's a closed book for the both of us. Here I am, to uncomplicate the situation by accepting sheer reality. Friends? Definitely. ( Note to self: Kill/Strangle Gian with permission from Marcus)
- I haven't slept for days (well, I did sleep last night, but that doesn't count). I still have a friggin' test on Theology next Tuesday so I can't really leave Manila 'till next week. So much for enjoying my sembreak.
-I am having the worst time of my life and all I do is pathetically blog. The computer shop is playing bleep-bleep fucking music
-I am getting a migraine...

Confessions of a Drama Queen

"Michael... I love you. I've loved you for nine years, I've just been too arrogant and scared to realize it, and... well, now I'm just scared. So, I realize this comes at a very inopportune time but I really have this gigantic favor to ask of you. Choose me. Marry me. Let me make you happy. Oh, that sounds like three favors, doesn't it?"

A quote from the movie My Best Friend's Wedding, where Julia Roberts was convincing her bestfriend to actually fall in love with her. I wish it were easy for me to say or express how I feel for, ugh, not again, "Him". The 'it' guy. Toujours dans la misère. Always in misery...

I got this testimonial from a friend whom I actually cared about today, I don't know for sure if it qualifies as a testimonial but it made all the tears I fought, fall down from my cheeks. Touchy, yeah, but I guess this was getting me all shook up:

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?" The other replied "When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, gays and lesbians. I have hurt a lot of people in my lifetime, the same way I've been hurt as well. You see, time is an ever changing constant. One moment, you think that everything is stable as you happily live your fantasies. The next moment, you wake up at this 4-walled space with nowhere else to go, absolutely no one to turn to. Sometimes, when I think of these things that happened in the past, I always wondered what would happened if I thought about my indecisions a lot and made the right thing. I just wish I wasn't involved in any way, or let my feelings take over. This was one of my weaknesses. As great as my ability to motivate people I have my own Achille's heel. It was one of the things why I live my life the way it is, not knowing what I want, too scared of even taking risks, let alone accept changes. I could have done a huge favor and I could have avoided hurting people. I am scared. Scared of rejecting and being rejected. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. No one. I hope the person whose feelings I stepped on would eventually forgive me. Time is an ever changing constant. Everything will fall into place. I hope.

Coffee & Prose

Came across this on the mail today:

Dear Nicole Aleja,

Imagine your poem featured on an entire page to itself . . .

Over the past several months, we have been reviewing the thousands of poems submitted to us, as well as examining the poetic accomplishments of people whose poetry has appeared on the Internet and in various editions released by other poetry publishers in America and Europe. After an exhaustive examination of this poetic artistry, The International Library of Poetry wishes to feature an entire page devoted exclusively to the poetry of NicoleAleja Maramo in a collection of new poems written by the Best Poets we have encountered.

Congratulations on your accomplishment, NicoleAleja. Your poetry will be featured along with a distinguished group of just 200 of the Best Poets that were selected to participate in this special project.
And that's not all. To honor the accomplishments of this elite group of talented individuals, we have established a separate contest with over $3,500.00 in prizes to be awarded among you. You will automatically be entered into the final competition, but you must submit a new unpublished poem. Prizes will be announced by December 31, with an anticipated publication date of January 2005.
The Best Poems and Poets of 2004 will be among the finest quality books we have ever produced. Every aspect of publication and design will convey the quality craftsmanship and attention to detail that will go into the production of this special edition. This coffee-table quality book will be printed in two colors on fine-milled paper and will feature a highly detailed, full-colored cover, and quality typography throughout. And best of all . . .

. . . this special edition will feature an entire page devoted exclusively to a new, unpublished poem by Nicole Aleja Reyes Maramo!

Before going any further, Nicole Aleja, let me make one thing clear . . . you were selected for publication on the basis of your unique talent. The new poem which you will submit for this edition has been accepted for publication because your previously published poetry sparks the imagination and presents the reader with a fresh, unique perspective on life.

Bull. Just totally bull. How can anyone be blinded by stupidity?

It got me excited the last few weeks I was receiving weird awards and invites to poetry conventions, but sadly, I could not have the time to go, and it was just a sort of advertisement they were having. Gee, I mean you have to pay a couple of dollars to get them to place your name on the friggin' book or something. Why not create one instead? I was just taking my chances last summer posting my most sane poems on poetry sites for people to either read or diss. My aunt in California got this fax of me 'winning' and being a semi-finalist for the poetry convention. It's just too bad I can't make it.

For all of you aspiring poets. I suggest you write more. I write everywhere. Coffee napkins, back of my Physics book, scraps of paper. Wherever. My mind floats. I just doodle up a couple of phrases subconsciously in a span of seconds. But not every so-called poem I write would make sense at first, it just would after a million and one readjustments. Ladeeda.

Here's the "winning" piece which was my least favorite.


Infatuation

I feel inspired by you
And I can describe, the malady
that had turned me against my will

You mesmerize me;
So when I feelso vulnerable
I want you to hold me in your arms
Until forever

It's such a pity
That you're in love with someone else
And it's only then that
I realize
That my mind was blurred
By this pure, driven passion---infatuation

I am aware now.
I am aware now.


So much for my poems back in highschool. I can hear the riffs of John Mayer's "No Such Thing" in the background. I got an anonymous comment. Anonymity breeds contempt. I guess people actually read my blog posts. Scary. I just hope that they would find whatever I have to say uh, stimulating? C'est la vie.

Fleeting flights of fancy

Mysterious guy extraordinaire shows no progress in being associated with my insecurities, I seriously need to end the whole obssession. I must absolutely not obssess. Especially when finals are up and I have to do a whole lot of cartwheels for my STAT professor. Merde. Haven't had sleep for two whole days, I might as well have my eyeballs glued to my eyelids. That would be pretty scary. I was talkin to loads of people on the phone while doing my semi-autobiography-slash-scrapbook in the wee hours of the morning when I got home to Laguna. I came at around eleven and started to work on the darned thing. See the funny thing about it was I had tons of pictures all scattered on the dinner table, but the thing is all of them are cheesy, wide-mouthed shots of me. Gah. Talk about, Nicole perkified. Had huuuggge amounts of caffeine that night, managed to order a frappo at SBC before I left school. Too much stuff to do, I can hardly think. Focus. I need to focus.

Gah. Caffeine gets me uber-hyped up.

Asteg-ness!

Sponge Cola's "Jeepney" is currently playing on the radio. Actually, on all radio stations. Coolness