Ease the gut feeling

I don't think I have any reason to be sad about. It's just that nothing makes me happy anymore. I have absolutely no idea what is going on with me whatsoever. Maybe it's the chemical imbalance in my head, or I might be bipolar. One minute I'm okay, the next, I would confine myself in my own space and just be passive. Most people know about my case, my ex (it feels weird calling him this, when all the time I would be like, my boyfriend is this and that) does. He used to make me feel so happy and contented with life. But know I don't know what I want anymore. I'm afraid to let him go, although all the while I know that I've done that the moment we broke up. I should be depressed, I know I am. It's just that sometimes I don't really feel anything. I would do all the messed up things in the world. Sit and cry and be emo-fied. That's it.

Not only that. My dad is my problem. My problem is my dad. I am so sick of it. I am so sick of the watchful eyes and the strictness. Sometimes I am so mad at him I wanna chop my hand off, ala Saw II. I know a lot of people care about me but I just can't help being this way. It is probably because everything in Manila happened so fast. With my cousin, my titas and titos. Oh God. I so do not want to remember that. Escaping to California was haven. I thought I wouldn't have any problems when I get here. But I'm wrong.

Some things can't be helped. I just need to hold on. And not be stupid.
Because sometimes I can do stupid stuff.
I know I am aware of those.

Stupid Girl

I am the most stupid girl in the entire planet
I know people will hate me for what I did
Yes, I broke up with my boyfriend
I dunno
I just want to detatch myself from everyone who
attempted to love me
That shows how stupid I am
I hurt people
And I am upset about it

It fucking sucks to be me.

Hassle, chong

Haaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy nako. I thought I was going to pass my midterms last week, tapos I found out last night through my professor's site that it was due tomorrow! So I spent last night working on my take home midterm examination for HIST B17 (American History), which includes a bunch of psychobabble questions I do not understand tapos edi I started cramming all my knowledge into the essays and stuff and I e-mailed my prof. After 7 cups of Reese's, a cup of java and a plate load of cookies, I was done. I had to wake up at 7 so I think I slept at around 3 even if I still wasn't sleepy. I kinda woke up late so I had to get dressed ( Blue flowered shirt because me and Kevin planned to go to school with the same shirt), and be out by like 9 so that I still would be able to type and print my essays in school. Finally got to school at aorund 9:45 thenstarted scanning for an empty booth to type on (heck there was a lot of people here), then finally, after a million years of booting up the pc started to work so I checked my mail----- to my surprise my professor e-mailed me back na the due date was not till next week! I'm like oh man! Pero at least I'm already done with it.

Pshaw.
So I basically have one more hour to kill.
Later yo.

Space to breathe

Please set new blog links to http://nikidarling.blogspot.com/
I don't want pestering dads or relatives snooping through what remains as my semi-private outlet for all my pent-up emotions.

Just a phase

At last I am fully recovering from my blogger's block and back from a really long hiatus. School just started for me and it made me pretty busy for a while. I even got a job on the weekends too. I don't consider answering phones and jotting down appointments a tough task to do but it keeps me preoccupied on Saturdays.

I went to a highschool party after work last Saturday. It was my friend Lovell's sister Michelle's sweet sixteen. They had a dj and everything from strobe lights to ipod docks and a thousand songs. But of course most of the people came were kids so it was pretty awkward to mingle with the sixteen something crowd. Gosh, it made me feel really old considering that I'm turning twenty this year. Twenteen could be an understatement but what the hell, I want to enjoy my last few years as a teenage internet junkie. Still the party was much fun because some of the people from school were there. I was gonna go clubbing in L.A. with my cousin and some friends but yeah, well, my dad didn't want to drive at night. Lol.

I was also asked to be a ninang again. I just went to a baptism like a month ago with Lovell's kid Dylan and now my friends in L.A. want me to be ninang to Krystel's kid Lj. I saw Lj last Sunday and she was soooo cute in her tiny pink dress . She didn't cry much. Awww. I absolutely love kids although sometimes they can be a handful once they reach preschool age. Take it from my experience handling twin boys.

So yeah, I'm at school right now. My last class was American History and I almost got late because of the heavy traffic and it really takes a long time to get to my school like 30 minutes or so. I have a class in another hour and twenty five minutes. Time to hit the library. I am such a nerd.

I'm still thinking about the turning twenty thing. My cousin Ara just turned twenty today. And I kinda felt like reality is sinking into me. I even had this bizarre dream that the number 20 was chasing me, like in the movies where a huge monstrous ape is chasing you only its a 20. TWENTY. Hahaha. I am gonna stop scaring myself. Maybe turning twenty won't be so bad.

The theory of sad little girls

I was a sad little girl growing up. I thought I could always get what I want. Clothes, shoes, everything. Sometimes when I'd feel like everyone has turned me down, or the world is laughing in front of my face, I'd lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Cry 'till my heart aches and until I realize that life goes on. This was me, then and this is still me now. I always have this perception that when you make a bad impression, it is always what people will think of you, no matter how much you change in the future, take ten or twenty years when you don a successful career and you strive hard to become the beautiful self you were dreaming of when you were a little girl. You will still be that same sad person you once were. And there's no hiding it.

Now, I think I'm more mellow about it, sometimes when people think otherwise that I'm such a person, I'm like fuck it, I don't give a damn. Other times I would sit in my room and contemplate. I would even ask my dad, as a young girl, "Daddy, what is wrong with me?", and my dad would tell me that I am his perfect little angel. Dads overexaggerate sometimes. That's why when you turn twenty and you are an only girl, he still would not let you go.

I will have to face the consequences of being an epitome of perfection. No matter what I do, no matter where I go, I will always be daddy's little girl. And there's no escaping it.