I don't think I have any reason to be sad about. It's just that nothing makes me happy anymore. I have absolutely no idea what is going on with me whatsoever. Maybe it's the chemical imbalance in my head, or I might be bipolar. One minute I'm okay, the next, I would confine myself in my own space and just be passive. Most people know about my case, my ex (it feels weird calling him this, when all the time I would be like, my boyfriend is this and that) does. He used to make me feel so happy and contented with life. But know I don't know what I want anymore. I'm afraid to let him go, although all the while I know that I've done that the moment we broke up. I should be depressed, I know I am. It's just that sometimes I don't really feel anything. I would do all the messed up things in the world. Sit and cry and be emo-fied. That's it.
Not only that. My dad is my problem. My problem is my dad. I am so sick of it. I am so sick of the watchful eyes and the strictness. Sometimes I am so mad at him I wanna chop my hand off, ala Saw II. I know a lot of people care about me but I just can't help being this way. It is probably because everything in Manila happened so fast. With my cousin, my titas and titos. Oh God. I so do not want to remember that. Escaping to California was haven. I thought I wouldn't have any problems when I get here. But I'm wrong.
Some things can't be helped. I just need to hold on. And not be stupid.
Because sometimes I can do stupid stuff.
I know I am aware of those.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
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