Space to breathe

Please set new blog links to http://nikidarling.blogspot.com/
I don't want pestering dads or relatives snooping through what remains as my semi-private outlet for all my pent-up emotions.

Just a phase

At last I am fully recovering from my blogger's block and back from a really long hiatus. School just started for me and it made me pretty busy for a while. I even got a job on the weekends too. I don't consider answering phones and jotting down appointments a tough task to do but it keeps me preoccupied on Saturdays.

I went to a highschool party after work last Saturday. It was my friend Lovell's sister Michelle's sweet sixteen. They had a dj and everything from strobe lights to ipod docks and a thousand songs. But of course most of the people came were kids so it was pretty awkward to mingle with the sixteen something crowd. Gosh, it made me feel really old considering that I'm turning twenty this year. Twenteen could be an understatement but what the hell, I want to enjoy my last few years as a teenage internet junkie. Still the party was much fun because some of the people from school were there. I was gonna go clubbing in L.A. with my cousin and some friends but yeah, well, my dad didn't want to drive at night. Lol.

I was also asked to be a ninang again. I just went to a baptism like a month ago with Lovell's kid Dylan and now my friends in L.A. want me to be ninang to Krystel's kid Lj. I saw Lj last Sunday and she was soooo cute in her tiny pink dress . She didn't cry much. Awww. I absolutely love kids although sometimes they can be a handful once they reach preschool age. Take it from my experience handling twin boys.

So yeah, I'm at school right now. My last class was American History and I almost got late because of the heavy traffic and it really takes a long time to get to my school like 30 minutes or so. I have a class in another hour and twenty five minutes. Time to hit the library. I am such a nerd.

I'm still thinking about the turning twenty thing. My cousin Ara just turned twenty today. And I kinda felt like reality is sinking into me. I even had this bizarre dream that the number 20 was chasing me, like in the movies where a huge monstrous ape is chasing you only its a 20. TWENTY. Hahaha. I am gonna stop scaring myself. Maybe turning twenty won't be so bad.

The theory of sad little girls

I was a sad little girl growing up. I thought I could always get what I want. Clothes, shoes, everything. Sometimes when I'd feel like everyone has turned me down, or the world is laughing in front of my face, I'd lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Cry 'till my heart aches and until I realize that life goes on. This was me, then and this is still me now. I always have this perception that when you make a bad impression, it is always what people will think of you, no matter how much you change in the future, take ten or twenty years when you don a successful career and you strive hard to become the beautiful self you were dreaming of when you were a little girl. You will still be that same sad person you once were. And there's no hiding it.

Now, I think I'm more mellow about it, sometimes when people think otherwise that I'm such a person, I'm like fuck it, I don't give a damn. Other times I would sit in my room and contemplate. I would even ask my dad, as a young girl, "Daddy, what is wrong with me?", and my dad would tell me that I am his perfect little angel. Dads overexaggerate sometimes. That's why when you turn twenty and you are an only girl, he still would not let you go.

I will have to face the consequences of being an epitome of perfection. No matter what I do, no matter where I go, I will always be daddy's little girl. And there's no escaping it.