Layout Blunders

Testing my new layout. Over. In and out.
Urrrgh. Wasn't able to fix the CSS Scripts and the links and stuff. More to come. Gah.

Marcus Fremitus

Niki's very productive semestral break has just kicked off. Yesterday. Whoopeedo. I got picked up at the dorm on a lovely Sunday afternoon and definitely had a hard time lugging all my stuff into my uncle's pajero. We could barely even move. And then there's the fiesta in my grandma's place, where all of my cousins were. It was fun, I haven't seen them since the debut. But still... Me and my brother planned to 'escape' the festivities by hanging out at ATC, which we eventually did. It felt good sipping frappos and giggling with friends after all the stress that's been around me lately. It's nice to get life back on track. Was talking to Marcus Fremitus (given nickname on the phonebook, hehehe), Irish and Jenlao on the phone 24/7. We were the lucky few who had our Suncell sim on 24/7. I'm like, "I'll get right back to ya, I is on the other line." I swear, Suncellular 24/7 is heaven sent. My brother got one as well, and he was testing it with us when we were at Starbuck's last night. Hilarious. Met Kiwi at town as well. Fun. fun. fun. hehehe. Got this classic by George Orwell called the Animal Farm. The library didn't have it so I had to get it. I hear it's supposed to be good and I need to catch up on my reading this vacation.

I miss you too, Angie. After I read your comment on the uh, comment post, I tried to reminisce as well. Yup, the Let's-go-pick-on-Aids-and-take-porno-shots-of-him and Angie dressing up as Zzzultan the Hungarrrrian body buildarrr with my bikini top. God, that was funny. I remembered the dress up thing we had with Katie and Amanda, when everyone just ransacked my room and closet to dig for Vintage-y clothes. I remembered I was supposed to be Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde complete with the curly locks and the fluffy feathered pen. Amanda was the umm, seductress complete with knee-high boots and whip. Katie was prom queen, and I think Angie was the That 70's chick. Wait, or was that a rebel-without-cause-angsty chick? Wardrobe, props and makeup courtesy of Nicole Maramo. After the whole dress-up, my room was up side down. Who couldn't forget Nicole's dock, were we would hangout just to piss people off. Oooh, and God's feet-this private cliff overlooking beach where we used to go and I would emote and just sing my heart out because no one would actually hear and care. I really miss those times and I wouldn't mind reliving it all again. Gah, I love AD. I love the sun, the sand, and the beach. I miss my mommy and daddy, Gerard and my twin brothers. Sigh. Those were the good ol' days.

Mr. Not-so-Perfect

It's funny how you are looking for the perfect guy, the guy whom you thought would sweep you off your feet when you are oblivious of the world around you and when chaos conflicts within. The guy who would be your prince out of nowhere, who would pamper you with poppies (my favorite), sickly sweet poems, Shakespeare sonnets, the works. And who would actually be there when you think the world is so cruel to you. He would be there, just waiting forever, outside your dorm- at the Malvar gate. Waiting, with the expression in his face so full of concern and worry, just because you have been crying forever and you have no idea what to do. And then it hit you- that's when you realize that you haven't been the perfect girl for him. So why bother coming. He just left you hanging.

I realized this today after the theft, the grades, the confession, the confusion. And then there's the break-up. Everything happened so fast. At least there are friends to fall back on to. To lean on. To watch you scarf down an oreo cheesecake and strawberry belgian waffle with caramel frappuccino and listen to you say, "No, I'm not depressed, I'm okay." To make you feel better and to cheer you up even if you aren't in the mood for silly puppet shows. Crazy otcho-otcho dances that would drive you insanely mad with laughter. I love you guys, you know who you are. :)

It feels liberating. I knew that things would not work out. I keep on expecting. What's there to expect? When you know that he's not like that. So I guess I'm free again. I broke free from the grasp of a possible relationship that is not right for me. I need some time for myself, to succumb the life of singleness- Girl-bonding sessions, walks at the beach, reading, cappuccino-sessions with people who make my life meaningful, just by the good conversations, movie marathons, road trips, tambay-slash-inuman sessions with the barkada. It feels good to be back to my own sweet, sarcastic self. I am your worst nightmare. Hehehe. I hope Chris is happy about it.

Was singing the 'So much for my happy ending' line by crooning Avril for the nth time. Complete with guitar riffs. I guess for the first time after I turned eighteen, I'm happy, even if ironically, my happy ending wasn't the one I expected. Sembreak had just officially kicked off, but I still have some official business at school. After that I'll be working on my How-to-make-my-sembreak-more-productive list. Anilao, Batangas here I come! :)

Merde. Merde. Merde

Nicole's random thoughts on the past weeks of pure dumb luck and misery:

-Hell will freeze over before I find the friggin' biatch who took my phone while I was sleeping. I swear I will skin her alive
- Do not, I repeat, do not leave your mobile device unattended, whether you are cooking, doing the laundry, taking a shower, sleeping, eating, sleeping ( okay, this counts twice) I am stressing this because I may have STML but I did not park my brains elsewhere. I have already cried my eyes out, there is no point in crying all over it again.
- It's funny how Mc Donald's always plays the Jasmine Trias song over and over again. I mean, you already get to buy the CD for less than a hundred, but why play it over and over again while enjoying your ketchup-less fries?
-Speaking of fries, who would not love fries with ketchup?? I swear, Mc Donald's is soooooo kuripot! For a multimillion dollar company having a gazillion branches worldwide, why would they spend less on ketchup? Think ketchup dispenser.
- I realized that I've eaten at Wendy's for more than 5 times this week. God, I love Wendy's. More fries and more ketchup. Yum yum. At least I do not look like a parakeet scarfing down huge amounts of fries on my mouth.
- I have taken liberty and courage to express how I feel towards 'Him'. It is not easy, but Gian, Marcus's boyfriend feeling Joe D' Mango (but he is really good at this, I salute him) made me blurt out the whole thing. He was like, "Niki! Go tell him na, nothing would be lost if he would know." I was like " No friggin' way." Somehow, in the middle of everything, I did. My mind got lost.It was totally embarrassing! Had I said it in person, I would have had my cheeks burn flaming red and I would just die right there and then. Enough said. At least I no longer have to deal with it in the future. I will always be that awkward dishveled-haired geek with the high pony standing at the backs of tall girls with sleeky rebonded-hair who are the epitome of beauty. I don't think it's a closed book for the both of us. Here I am, to uncomplicate the situation by accepting sheer reality. Friends? Definitely. ( Note to self: Kill/Strangle Gian with permission from Marcus)
- I haven't slept for days (well, I did sleep last night, but that doesn't count). I still have a friggin' test on Theology next Tuesday so I can't really leave Manila 'till next week. So much for enjoying my sembreak.
-I am having the worst time of my life and all I do is pathetically blog. The computer shop is playing bleep-bleep fucking music
-I am getting a migraine...

Confessions of a Drama Queen

"Michael... I love you. I've loved you for nine years, I've just been too arrogant and scared to realize it, and... well, now I'm just scared. So, I realize this comes at a very inopportune time but I really have this gigantic favor to ask of you. Choose me. Marry me. Let me make you happy. Oh, that sounds like three favors, doesn't it?"

A quote from the movie My Best Friend's Wedding, where Julia Roberts was convincing her bestfriend to actually fall in love with her. I wish it were easy for me to say or express how I feel for, ugh, not again, "Him". The 'it' guy. Toujours dans la misère. Always in misery...

I got this testimonial from a friend whom I actually cared about today, I don't know for sure if it qualifies as a testimonial but it made all the tears I fought, fall down from my cheeks. Touchy, yeah, but I guess this was getting me all shook up:

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?" The other replied "When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, gays and lesbians. I have hurt a lot of people in my lifetime, the same way I've been hurt as well. You see, time is an ever changing constant. One moment, you think that everything is stable as you happily live your fantasies. The next moment, you wake up at this 4-walled space with nowhere else to go, absolutely no one to turn to. Sometimes, when I think of these things that happened in the past, I always wondered what would happened if I thought about my indecisions a lot and made the right thing. I just wish I wasn't involved in any way, or let my feelings take over. This was one of my weaknesses. As great as my ability to motivate people I have my own Achille's heel. It was one of the things why I live my life the way it is, not knowing what I want, too scared of even taking risks, let alone accept changes. I could have done a huge favor and I could have avoided hurting people. I am scared. Scared of rejecting and being rejected. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. No one. I hope the person whose feelings I stepped on would eventually forgive me. Time is an ever changing constant. Everything will fall into place. I hope.

Coffee & Prose

Came across this on the mail today:

Dear Nicole Aleja,

Imagine your poem featured on an entire page to itself . . .

Over the past several months, we have been reviewing the thousands of poems submitted to us, as well as examining the poetic accomplishments of people whose poetry has appeared on the Internet and in various editions released by other poetry publishers in America and Europe. After an exhaustive examination of this poetic artistry, The International Library of Poetry wishes to feature an entire page devoted exclusively to the poetry of NicoleAleja Maramo in a collection of new poems written by the Best Poets we have encountered.

Congratulations on your accomplishment, NicoleAleja. Your poetry will be featured along with a distinguished group of just 200 of the Best Poets that were selected to participate in this special project.
And that's not all. To honor the accomplishments of this elite group of talented individuals, we have established a separate contest with over $3,500.00 in prizes to be awarded among you. You will automatically be entered into the final competition, but you must submit a new unpublished poem. Prizes will be announced by December 31, with an anticipated publication date of January 2005.
The Best Poems and Poets of 2004 will be among the finest quality books we have ever produced. Every aspect of publication and design will convey the quality craftsmanship and attention to detail that will go into the production of this special edition. This coffee-table quality book will be printed in two colors on fine-milled paper and will feature a highly detailed, full-colored cover, and quality typography throughout. And best of all . . .

. . . this special edition will feature an entire page devoted exclusively to a new, unpublished poem by Nicole Aleja Reyes Maramo!

Before going any further, Nicole Aleja, let me make one thing clear . . . you were selected for publication on the basis of your unique talent. The new poem which you will submit for this edition has been accepted for publication because your previously published poetry sparks the imagination and presents the reader with a fresh, unique perspective on life.

Bull. Just totally bull. How can anyone be blinded by stupidity?

It got me excited the last few weeks I was receiving weird awards and invites to poetry conventions, but sadly, I could not have the time to go, and it was just a sort of advertisement they were having. Gee, I mean you have to pay a couple of dollars to get them to place your name on the friggin' book or something. Why not create one instead? I was just taking my chances last summer posting my most sane poems on poetry sites for people to either read or diss. My aunt in California got this fax of me 'winning' and being a semi-finalist for the poetry convention. It's just too bad I can't make it.

For all of you aspiring poets. I suggest you write more. I write everywhere. Coffee napkins, back of my Physics book, scraps of paper. Wherever. My mind floats. I just doodle up a couple of phrases subconsciously in a span of seconds. But not every so-called poem I write would make sense at first, it just would after a million and one readjustments. Ladeeda.

Here's the "winning" piece which was my least favorite.


Infatuation

I feel inspired by you
And I can describe, the malady
that had turned me against my will

You mesmerize me;
So when I feelso vulnerable
I want you to hold me in your arms
Until forever

It's such a pity
That you're in love with someone else
And it's only then that
I realize
That my mind was blurred
By this pure, driven passion---infatuation

I am aware now.
I am aware now.


So much for my poems back in highschool. I can hear the riffs of John Mayer's "No Such Thing" in the background. I got an anonymous comment. Anonymity breeds contempt. I guess people actually read my blog posts. Scary. I just hope that they would find whatever I have to say uh, stimulating? C'est la vie.

Fleeting flights of fancy

Mysterious guy extraordinaire shows no progress in being associated with my insecurities, I seriously need to end the whole obssession. I must absolutely not obssess. Especially when finals are up and I have to do a whole lot of cartwheels for my STAT professor. Merde. Haven't had sleep for two whole days, I might as well have my eyeballs glued to my eyelids. That would be pretty scary. I was talkin to loads of people on the phone while doing my semi-autobiography-slash-scrapbook in the wee hours of the morning when I got home to Laguna. I came at around eleven and started to work on the darned thing. See the funny thing about it was I had tons of pictures all scattered on the dinner table, but the thing is all of them are cheesy, wide-mouthed shots of me. Gah. Talk about, Nicole perkified. Had huuuggge amounts of caffeine that night, managed to order a frappo at SBC before I left school. Too much stuff to do, I can hardly think. Focus. I need to focus.

Gah. Caffeine gets me uber-hyped up.

Asteg-ness!

Sponge Cola's "Jeepney" is currently playing on the radio. Actually, on all radio stations. Coolness

I hate Twisted Tuesdays

Tuesday Morning was not a typical morning for me. I am supposed to wake up at 3:45 in the morning but unfortunately for some reason, I wasn't able to. (Blames the stupid cellphone for not alarming) I would love to have a talking alarm clock that would bellow 'Nicole, wake friggin' up!' and wet me with water on my bed. Because I am a deep sleeper. I don't really wake up unless u pull my covers down. So much for that. Irish, Marcus and I woke up at around 5, which was supposedly our call time at the school lobby and it's the time when the bus would leave for the hospital. So, I am like Omigod, how the hell will I be able to survive this. Luckily, I was able to. Late for five minutes. I hate Tuesdays. And Wednesdays. I wish I would sleep that long, but there are a lot of stuff to do.

God, I have a last song syndrome and I don't even know the lyrics. It's Sandwich's popular song and I'm constantly humming it all day. Gah. Gotta get the lyrics and I can't wait to play it on the guitar. My semi-bleeding fingers are improving. Enough blogging for today. :)

Old Sites

geekgirlgoddess.blogspot.com

nothing new.
still a geek, always a geek.

nickute.tripod.com/indexb.htm
lovely old layout back in the webdesigning days

Brink of Sanity

Lovely lumps of coal. That phrase just popped out in my mind earlier. Today I realized a lot of realizations, thought a lot of thoughts and read between the lines. I am no longer seventeen. I no longer have the need to pine for someone who doesn't give me the time of day. I shouldn't be thinking about him. But I am. It's a sad fact that most of the people that get stuck in my head 24/7 won't really, well, look twice?

Him is actually an afterthought, that certain drug that sedates me that everytime I feel drowsy, I just have this lop-sided grin everytime I think of him. Mysterious guy extraordinaire. Boy wonder. He had that charm and jene sais quoi. Might as well swim in a jacuzzi full of razor blades and lemon juice. Gah, Nicole. Focus. Him couldn't bother me today. I have a whole lot of stuff to do than obsess pathetically.

Sister Bernadette turned a hundred and two today, she was smiling at me, her toothless mouth gaping wide open at me. I am currently on duty at the Vigil House, where our patients were bed ridden, nonambulatory, retired nuns who sometimes have the tantrums of 5-year-olds. At least I was assigned to Sister Bernadette, who was sleeping like a newborn. It's funny how you watch these people sleep peacefully as they have nothing to do but wait for the longest time to pass away. I can't imagine myself at a hundred and two, still breathing, still eating heaps of chocolate cake and ice cream with my gums, shoving them in my mouth. I realized that life is short. Very short. And I thought that maybe I'd enjoy myself while I can. Nostalgia is in the air.

How does an awkward eighteen year old loser act anyway? When people see me, they think, Oh God, there goes that funny, weird chick again. Like that time during Rel. Ed. class a few days ago, I wasn't exactly paying attention on what my professor was ranting on and on about, and then he asked the whole class a question about the changes in our lives because of the church. I reluctantly raised my hand (yes, I was pretending to be animated with the discussion) and unluckily, of all the random hands shooting the air, mine, of all mankind was picked. Omigod. I blurted out the one thing that made my classmates laugh their socks off for days. "Puberty," I said. And hell broke loose. Well, so what if they think it was so damn funny. I didn't really care. I have this talent for blurting out things which make people laugh. Beanchi still didn't let me go with that one.

After my duty I had lunch with Cliff at The Pit. Ordered the usuals, their food is the bomb. Was talking to him about Chris's I-changed-my-mind-about-you thing. It didn't bother him, he was a guy after all. I think he's the guy a girl could count on giving advices on life,love,love,life..I don't really know. Anyhow, we were all done and he had to get back to class at DLSU taft. And now I am friendless again. I went back to the dorm to rearrange my sockdrawer. Or rather, color coordinate them. Balloons from the party were still hanging in my bed, as well as the lovely bunch of flowers Chris gave me for my birthday. They were beautiful. My pink dress was stashed under the bed, for future use. I'd take them to the cleaners when I'm not busy. My room was still messy. Time to reorganize.

So, enough about the weird chick chronicles I so do not want to publish here but I just did. Whatelse is new. Oh, Him. Ugh. Not again. One thing's for sure: I certainly do not want my heart to be stepped on and chopped into a tiny, million bite-sized pieces. Playing the guitar actually helps, uh, with the whole situation. It's funny how you think you aren't capable of doing a lot of things you desperately want to do but you can. Maybe I will-ignore the guy. I will loathe thee.

Animo La Salle!

Went to the Animo party last Friday night.Was fun, even if I did not actually go to La Salle. There were a whole lot of people and they were shouting and screaming as the replay of Casio's 3-point shot was displayed on a wide-screen projector. School spirit, I mused. Cliff mentioned that the previous championship victory party was better. I mean, most of the people at the campus party were freshmen. Skipped the Racks victory party. For some reason, I do not feel like seeing a whole lot of people jam-packed in one place. Not that day, I guess.


Fabby day for me last night. Yup, the night of all nights I wish I skipped. I was at school the whole day, and later after that, my mom called me up and was ranting on how she didn't want me wearing black to my semi-debut. I'm like, what the heck is wrong with black, everyone wears it. Paris Hilton does. You can't argue with moms, so we had to rush to the mall at Sari-sari store to get another dress. I saw a lovely Carrie Bradshaw-like dress that fit me perfectly. Got them and then went to QC to get my hair done. It's funny how I arrived later that I had expected and there were a whole lot of guests in the ballroom. I plastered my smile for five friggin' hours because the video people where recording my every move. I'm really glad most of my friends attended like Clifford, Rash, Rami and most of the people from Abu Dhabi. Cliff was the best, I did not expect to see him there as well. Kuya Ian was there too, he was like a Mafia guy in his black ensemble. I missed him because I haven't seen him for the longest time. My girlfriends from highschool Joy and Kristine were there- emotional support. Hehehe, we shared our laughs at the restroom which we preferred to call the 'powder room'. So much for our kakikayan.

I realized that you cannot always count on "friends" to show up on the night that would only pass once in a lifetime. I got a couple of interesting cop-outs which were also repeated by others in different variations:

1. I'm sorry I can't attend your debut, my mom was hyperventilating in the kitchen and I had to be with her...
2. Hey! Sorry I can't make it, I have to rush my dad to the hospital...
3. (Last Minute) I'm sorry my mom called and she would pick me up now...
4. Sorry I can't come, I, ummm, have a lot of stuff to do...

I mean, I understand all of these, but the thing is they could have told me earlier. Was it just a coincidence or did all of these happen in a matter of days. God, I wish it weren't my unlucky week. As much as I try hard to understand. I couldn't.

My party ended at around 1 in the morning. Details? I don't know. Almost everyone on my 18 roses thingy attended, my titas were surprised with the number of guys that showed up. Marf Creatures & John's band played, and I was actually surprised when Jake and Jay performed a number. I'm like I can't believe Jake can sing. I used to have a crush on him, hehehe.

I actually had fun for the first time in weeks. Chris surprised me as well because I absolutely did not expect to see him there- with flowers which I thought was sweet. Yeah. yeah.Paeng & company were a lovely bunch, they did a couple of sets before the program started.Very marvy. Mike Apeles decided to host the shindig with my friend Badette, he's just soooo funny. It's been a long time since I saw a lot of them, so I'm really glad they came.

Kiwi came last, I didn't think he would be there but suprisingly, he was. I was excited to see him, my heart palpitating, I'd just die right there and then. I guess I was dumbfounded or speechless or whatever. He came all they way from Baguio. Eye-opener.So much for being a loser. He actually came, because as I had predicted, he won't. It was...umm..nice..I guess. Saba & company arrived when the bands were jamming, at least they get to eat cake :) Angel skipped my debut. She didn't even bother to tell me she couldn't make it.We went to Yero bar afterwards to chill with Paeng and everybody. I had a blast :)

So there. Details of my so-called debut. Even if not a lot of people came, at least it was worth it. Now it's back to studying and being a loser.