Confessions of a Drama Queen

"Michael... I love you. I've loved you for nine years, I've just been too arrogant and scared to realize it, and... well, now I'm just scared. So, I realize this comes at a very inopportune time but I really have this gigantic favor to ask of you. Choose me. Marry me. Let me make you happy. Oh, that sounds like three favors, doesn't it?"

A quote from the movie My Best Friend's Wedding, where Julia Roberts was convincing her bestfriend to actually fall in love with her. I wish it were easy for me to say or express how I feel for, ugh, not again, "Him". The 'it' guy. Toujours dans la misère. Always in misery...

I got this testimonial from a friend whom I actually cared about today, I don't know for sure if it qualifies as a testimonial but it made all the tears I fought, fall down from my cheeks. Touchy, yeah, but I guess this was getting me all shook up:

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?" The other replied "When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, gays and lesbians. I have hurt a lot of people in my lifetime, the same way I've been hurt as well. You see, time is an ever changing constant. One moment, you think that everything is stable as you happily live your fantasies. The next moment, you wake up at this 4-walled space with nowhere else to go, absolutely no one to turn to. Sometimes, when I think of these things that happened in the past, I always wondered what would happened if I thought about my indecisions a lot and made the right thing. I just wish I wasn't involved in any way, or let my feelings take over. This was one of my weaknesses. As great as my ability to motivate people I have my own Achille's heel. It was one of the things why I live my life the way it is, not knowing what I want, too scared of even taking risks, let alone accept changes. I could have done a huge favor and I could have avoided hurting people. I am scared. Scared of rejecting and being rejected. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. No one. I hope the person whose feelings I stepped on would eventually forgive me. Time is an ever changing constant. Everything will fall into place. I hope.