Brink of Sanity

Lovely lumps of coal. That phrase just popped out in my mind earlier. Today I realized a lot of realizations, thought a lot of thoughts and read between the lines. I am no longer seventeen. I no longer have the need to pine for someone who doesn't give me the time of day. I shouldn't be thinking about him. But I am. It's a sad fact that most of the people that get stuck in my head 24/7 won't really, well, look twice?

Him is actually an afterthought, that certain drug that sedates me that everytime I feel drowsy, I just have this lop-sided grin everytime I think of him. Mysterious guy extraordinaire. Boy wonder. He had that charm and jene sais quoi. Might as well swim in a jacuzzi full of razor blades and lemon juice. Gah, Nicole. Focus. Him couldn't bother me today. I have a whole lot of stuff to do than obsess pathetically.

Sister Bernadette turned a hundred and two today, she was smiling at me, her toothless mouth gaping wide open at me. I am currently on duty at the Vigil House, where our patients were bed ridden, nonambulatory, retired nuns who sometimes have the tantrums of 5-year-olds. At least I was assigned to Sister Bernadette, who was sleeping like a newborn. It's funny how you watch these people sleep peacefully as they have nothing to do but wait for the longest time to pass away. I can't imagine myself at a hundred and two, still breathing, still eating heaps of chocolate cake and ice cream with my gums, shoving them in my mouth. I realized that life is short. Very short. And I thought that maybe I'd enjoy myself while I can. Nostalgia is in the air.

How does an awkward eighteen year old loser act anyway? When people see me, they think, Oh God, there goes that funny, weird chick again. Like that time during Rel. Ed. class a few days ago, I wasn't exactly paying attention on what my professor was ranting on and on about, and then he asked the whole class a question about the changes in our lives because of the church. I reluctantly raised my hand (yes, I was pretending to be animated with the discussion) and unluckily, of all the random hands shooting the air, mine, of all mankind was picked. Omigod. I blurted out the one thing that made my classmates laugh their socks off for days. "Puberty," I said. And hell broke loose. Well, so what if they think it was so damn funny. I didn't really care. I have this talent for blurting out things which make people laugh. Beanchi still didn't let me go with that one.

After my duty I had lunch with Cliff at The Pit. Ordered the usuals, their food is the bomb. Was talking to him about Chris's I-changed-my-mind-about-you thing. It didn't bother him, he was a guy after all. I think he's the guy a girl could count on giving advices on life,love,love,life..I don't really know. Anyhow, we were all done and he had to get back to class at DLSU taft. And now I am friendless again. I went back to the dorm to rearrange my sockdrawer. Or rather, color coordinate them. Balloons from the party were still hanging in my bed, as well as the lovely bunch of flowers Chris gave me for my birthday. They were beautiful. My pink dress was stashed under the bed, for future use. I'd take them to the cleaners when I'm not busy. My room was still messy. Time to reorganize.

So, enough about the weird chick chronicles I so do not want to publish here but I just did. Whatelse is new. Oh, Him. Ugh. Not again. One thing's for sure: I certainly do not want my heart to be stepped on and chopped into a tiny, million bite-sized pieces. Playing the guitar actually helps, uh, with the whole situation. It's funny how you think you aren't capable of doing a lot of things you desperately want to do but you can. Maybe I will-ignore the guy. I will loathe thee.